Tuesday, January 22, 2013

“Welcome Back Kelly!”

As you can imagine, this is every OCD person’s nightmare, so this is the first of many posts about my arch nemesis, the NYC subway system.

Subway: "Welcome Back Kelly!"
Kelly: "Gross."
After a year of roughing it and taking the subway to work every day, I decided I needed to take action, so I moved into Manhattan and found an apartment a convenient 20 blocks from my job.  Walk to work, don’t mind if I do, and what a glorious 4 years those were!  Things were so great in fact, at one point I made an internal declaration that I would never get a job that I couldn't walk to, thus eliminating the lower half of Manhattan.  But then one day in 2012, an opportunity presented itself that I couldn't pass up, but it meant my commute would now consist of a 20 minute subway ride down to the Financial District …. gross.

My first day on the subway was probably the worst.  It was a hot July day and I had straightened my hair to look fly for my first day at the new job.  (Sidebar, I have curly hair, so let’s just say by the time I got to work, it was a hot mess and my building photo ID is proof)

While standing on the platform waiting for the 4/5 I saw two sewer rats that I swear whispered “Welcome Back Kelly!” before scurrying back into the filth.  It was like I was the Cinderella of the NYC subway, but that subway car was no carriage and the men waiting on the train for me were no Prince Charming.  But alas, my carriage awaited and it was off to the Financial District! 

My internal dialogue on the subway my first day back went something like this:

“Why is it so hot …. seriously, I can feel my hair frizzing ……….. ugh gross, please don’t touch me gross looking person ……. please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE back away Grosso McGee ……………………….. grrrrreat thanks for touching me with your sticky sweat jerk, I have enough of my own sweat thank you very much ………........... ok, come on Kelly, you got this, millions of New Yorkers do this on a daily basis ………........ oh mylanta what is that smell  ………………. oh fabulous, a homeless person, I guess it was just a matter of time ……..  ughhhh I wonder how long I can hold my breath for before I pass out …………………….. WHAT! delay due to train traffic, you have GOT to be shitting me, you fools are still pulling this crap ……..”

20 minutes never felt so long, for me or my hair.

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