The Subway Sweats

My morning started out like any other.  My first alarm went off at 6:27 and I proceeded to hit snooze for the next hour while simultaneously half sleeping through Good Morning America.  Sometimes I am so out of it while watching, I can’t remember if a story I saw was real or fake.  Then I’ll go into work and be like, “Did anyone watch GMA today, they had a story about how a man got stabbed with a carrot and lived, can you believe it!”  When people look at me like I have 7 heads, I realize that I may or may not have been sleep hallucinating through the news that morning …. whoopsie!

Today I had an extra barrier barring me from getting out of bed because I spent last night eating and drinking like a 14^th century queen …. Queen Fatty, reporting for duty your highness.  Back in those days, the fatter you were the flyer you were.  I think it goes without saying that I would have rocked it back then.  But I feel like this form of gluttony is completely acceptable on the one and only Super Bowl Sunday.  In fact, I think it’s frowned upon to not indulge a little…. no, just me?

After rolling out of bed and getting ready for the day, I left my apartment hoping that it would be a swift commute to work .... spoiler alert, it wasn't.  Upon stepping outside, I was greeted by a cold wind that cut right through me, but thankfully I had about 10 extra layers of fat to protect me from the chill.  Sidenote, weighing yourself may top the list of the '10 Dumbest Things to Do the Morning After the Super Bowl.'

I headed down to the dreadful 4/5 and was greeted with an odd sight.  The train was in the station with the doors open, and people around me naturally started rushing to squeeze their bodies into the already packed cars.  I looked at the squalor and clearly decided to the wait for the next train which was right behind the one in the station.  While laughing to myself as people crammed and finagled into the cars, all of the sudden the subway car that was waiting to get into the station honked its boisterous horn. Um….  A) Since when did the subway cars have horns (cus I kinda loved it) B) Said horns are clearly underused and C) What is going on here?

The subway then quickly started to leave the station before screeching to a halt less than 20 feet later.

Subway Announcer: “Everyone get off of this subway train right now!  The 4/5 is having service problems so please use the 6 train.”

Me: “What the whhhhat!?  Don’t have to tell me twice!”

I literally dashed like a crazy lady back up the stairs to the 6 platform because it was just a matter of time before the hoards of people from the 4/5 would make the same mad dash.  This truly was a horrible start to my day already.  I started panting like the fatty I was as I sprinted up the elevator, but was rewarded with a 6 train already in the station.

At that moment though, I realized that my typical four stop subway commute on the express train had transformed into a local subway commute …. My Sharona, my wits were surely being tested this post-Super Bowl Monday.

Of course 5,000 of my closest 4/5 friends had also made their way up to the 6 platform before the train doors closed.  Sometimes I find myself willing the doors to close to no avail.  It’s like the subway door controller laughs in the face of reason and is conducting a daily social experiment to see how many people can fit in one subway car.  We are not a carnival game buddy where you guess how many tennis balls fit in a glass box.  We are people who just imbibed a whole lot o’ food and drink last night so packing us like sardines today is not a good idea!  Alas, my subliminal mind pleading did nothing to close those doors any faster, so sardines we became in a matter of seconds.

Whenever it’s super crowded on the subway, I semi-start to panic so it was only a matter of moments before I broke into the Subway Sweats (defn: I once ate an egregious amount of Jeanette cookies in one sitting and started sweating profusely.  I have since referred to the incident as the Jeanette Sweats.  So now I associate any amount of profuse sweating with the culprit that drove me to that point).  Unfortunately for those around me, it was buffalo chicken wing dip and Bud Light Lime seeping from my pores (to be fair, the shelves at Duane Reade were empty so Bud Light Lime was my only option …. #classybroad).   

I did everything and anything to distract myself, but seriously, the 6 train is a joke.  We made stops at 33^rd …. 28^th …. 23^rd …. um seriously?  We are stopping every 5 blocks.  It’s no wonder Americans are obese when we can’t even expect them to walk 5+ blocks to get to their jobs.  These stops just added to the Subway Sweat proliferation and I needed a distraction, stat.

I thankfully found this in what can only be referred to as the best subway advertisement that I have seen in a long time.  

Hilarious, party of one.

The ad was a spoof on the Dr. Jonathan Zizmor ads that any New Yorker has seen far too many times.  This ad, however, was for canine plastic surgery, tail enhancements and all.  After laughing for a solid 5 minutes, I realized we were still only at Spring Street.  Is this what the players felt like during the 30+ minute blackout last night?  If my work performance suffers today, can I blame the City of New York?

After finally making it to the Brooklyn Bridge City Hall stop, I had another upsetting epiphany …. the 4/5 wasn't running, so I was going to have to walk to the Fulton stop ….. WOE IS ME!  Was this my fatty post-Super Bowl karma?  A sign that I needed to burn off the dips and crudités that I had so indulgently devoured not 24 hours earlier?  I get it world, Queen Fatty needs a workout, I can take a hint ….

After what amounted to a long day in the office, it was back on the subway for my ride home.  I feel like every time the 4/5 is messed up in the morning, the conductors try to make up for it in the evening commute because my subway car was literally moving like wildfire through the tunnels.  I loved every jolted swerve that nearly knocked me off my feet because it meant one less moment that I would need to be on the subway.  We were moving like Jacoby Jones and there was no stopping us.

Today wasn't a complete loss however, as I now know exactly where to take my future dog to get a tail enhancement or face lift.  I mean with results like this, how can you say no!

I feel your pain.  Try riding the subway everyday.